I have never imagined myself going through this kind of suffering. I mean, I’ve conquered a few kilometers in occasional sprints or bone-breaking stretches in ballet class but never as worse of an agony as this. Whether it was a virus that hit me, it didn’t matter. One thing I know is that I’m slowly slipping away from sanity. Point exaggerated, obviously.
Half way through my work shift when it finally sank in to me. My heart is pounding a half-second faster, there is difficulty in breathing, my eyes feel freaking hot and my whole body was just a wreck. Thank God I remembered to bring my heavy (and not to mention, “MANLY”) jacket to work. I guess I kinda saw it coming but the totality of my being wished this would somehow think twice and realize it didn’t want to take refuge in my system. Sigh. The foolishness of our dreams. Hours passed until finally I am free to get home and rest my head.
What kindness and niceness of friends to walk me to the waiting area for cabs. Cab number one had me coming in only to realize he doesn’t want to go as far to the North to bring me to my habitat. Cab number two was just harsh to my even harsh condition by urging me to add such big amount on my probable meter price. Cab number three just wouldn’t come. I had to ride a jeepney as a sign of conceit and giving up.
Hood up, earphones on – ignore the world; as if I had the strength to actually still accommodate the surroundings’ mean approach. My strength is fleeting undoubtedly and I am becoming aware that some of the parts of my skin and body are going numb. There’s only one thing in mind – get home NOW.
And that MRT, ohhhh… that MRT. I was seriously hoping and wishing somebody would offer his/her sit to my slowly weakening body but I guess I just don’t look that sick. I don’t want the pushing and having myself confined to smaller pieces will just trigger a whole lot of my lack of breath. But although this is so I have to accept the idea that I have to stay like this. I found refuge from a free hand rail at my side. What a slight relief. *exhales* Must. Get home. Now.
My grip. I had to extremely tighten my grip. I never thought I would ever do such a thing aside from the harshest fight for a space inside this train mayhem. But we are talking about a struggle here. And though those beside me were neither pushing nor squeezing me, I was there holding on, as if that was a lifeline; as if letting go would be my total fading away. I almost wanted to cry. I’ve never felt so battered by my body or by my mind… oh… my mind. I had to remember that my mind had to take a stand in this tragedy as well. Okay, I got this. I will hold on to this hand rail if it’s the last thing I’ll do. Must. Get home. And drink meds. STAT.
Food. I can’t drink my meds with an empty stomach. And I’m slipping away so bad I had to at least slow it down. Soup and mashed potato – okay, that seems right – just enough to hold the strong kicks of my capsules – let’s go with it. But after this, get home immediately. Time is of the essence.
At last, my humble abode. Oh, I’ve never felt wanting to hug its structure all my life. I am finally unlocking the gates, the doors and slowly taking my steps up to my room. I keep commanding myself as each part of it seemed lifeless to do anything. Put down the bag. Take off the shoes. Okay, now eat. Swallow your capsules. Switch to your night clothes — nah, skip that. Go to sleep and rest, will you!
And that night I did not remember any dream – one of the very rare times I got to sleep deep. Thank You, God.